Already Over

Why didn’t I see it before,
you’re there evermore,
knocking at my door
pleading for me to break down my walls,
I keep up to keep you out.

Why didn’t I see it before?
You’re so very much alike,
I love him all the same,
but doesn’t take a scientist
to realize your name
is always on my mind.

How could I not see,
how much you remind me
of him and our problems,
and all the issues you bring up now,
that were just the same back then.

How could I not know,
why you keep trying to let me go.
And I keep on holding on to you,
and no matter what I do, I can’t forget.

How did I not see,
that you make me so happy,
why can’t I be happy just with you?

How did I not find,
that in the rubble left of heartbreak,
you remain, holding me
and keeping me the same, the way I was before.

I cannot see you,
because I’m blinded
by the angel that he is,
I’m falling deeper into this bottomless trench.

Letting him go,
is like telling my entire life
that I have been no more than strife,
drama to the world,
because maybe it helps me thrive.

How can I do this to you?
Tell you every day I love you,
knowing in every way I need you,
but knowing all the same I love him more.

How could it take just one song
to make me realize,
you’re not that different in my eyes,
in fact you’re just the same,
and I keep thinking of your name,
but I cannot cheat the love I have for him.

How could I not see,
that these things that seem so
in-my-place to me,
could be hurting you painfully,
and I don’t know how to make you feel better.

How can I break free?
Boy, I love him,
but I know that you love me,
you’d be with me, yes I see,
but I just can’t break my heart of this addiction.

Whatever we have, I can see it now,
it’s already over. It’s already ended,
the ending was sweet, but I cannot take it,
I just want him, not you.
I’m sorry, babe I love you.
I just don’t know how to break the spell,
that he’s cast on me as well,
so I can’t give myself all to you.

I’d like to give a special shout-out to slpmartin for always commenting with such nice things to say about my poetry! Thank you!

Burning Stars

Shimmer, glitter
wishes on silver wings,
chariots racing across the sky
chased by the sun
and away with the night,
forever running for it’s life

Shimmer, glitter, wishing star.
With friends, alone,
in skynight hold broken,
together so very bold
Trust and bonds with a fellow light,
without whom such is no fair fight,
and forever chasing what cannot be
the burning stars elude me.

Cloudless Skies

Kittens pawing at rubber balls
puppies growling and sparrow calls
snow in rainbows and ice in spring
mockingbirds that cannot sing,
sheep that skip and stormy weather
people that try to make life better
donating time and money and clothes
and food and life, and purity grows.
And snakes that twist ‘round tree branches
with birches tall and weeping willow limbs
and a child at play, and a duck in flight
and a sister to her brother, for whom she’d fight
And thoughts of happiness in one’s eyes,
quite imagination for cloudless skies.

Forgotten Search

Today it was,
the first time ever.
I forgot to look for him,
down by his locker,
three down from the
English class door.
I forgot to look for him.

It took me
two years to notice him,
ten minutes to meet him,
one hour to like him,
three months to trust him,
and seven months to tell him.
And today was the first day
that I forgot to look for him. 

I smiled at her,
his girl, his love,
pride and joy,
I hoped.
The one I trusted to make him happy
and to make me happy
and distract me from the other him,
and distract me from
the loss of him,
and she did.
Because I didn’t look for him
today. 

I find myself feeling guilty
as if he was never there
a memory,
lost
forever.
Never in my life,
trusted him once,
never coming back,
and I may never see
him again.
Because I forgot to look.

Life Lessons

Me, we, you, us
truth, love, longing, lust.
Breath, death, air, and fire,
found, and lost, and passion pyre.
Believe, forget, forgive that is,
never become another’s last kiss
if you cannot live one more day
without wishing regret away.

A little bit of expirimentation. Short and sweet, but I sort of like it that way. Hope you enjoyed.

Left Unsaid

You said it’s better left unsaid,
you said you’d better keep it in your head
you said that I don’t need to know
because you’re scared.

You said you wouldn’t tell me that
as if I knew the darkened fact,
you told me if I knew why you were scared
I’d know the truth as well.

But baby,
I know the truth.
I know what you are hiding.
Baby,
I know the truth,
and I know that you’ve been lying.

You love me don’t you?
At least, you think you do,
Baby, you love me don’t you,
and I always knew.
You can’t hide that love from me,
darling baby.

Baby, I’m glad you didn’t say it,
I’m scared of what I’d say,
I’m scared that I’d be happy,
or that you’d sweep me away.
I’m scared that I’d say it back
and I’m scared that….
What if I meant it?

You were going to tell me you loved me,
you were going to say you cared,
that you wished I was the girl beside you,
that you wished I’d always be there.

You love me, don’t you?

And what could I say to that?
Baby, you know I love him.
You know he’s my life.
Baby, I can’t love you.

But I just might.

Thing is, Baby,
I love you sure, that’s the truth,
but I don’t feel right in loving you,
and I left unsaid that I need you.

I didn’t say I need you, that I love you too,
that everything I know is mixed up in you,
because you’re so much like him.

Baby, I love you too.
But it doesn’t matter,
because that will remain unsaid

Missing You

I’m kind of sitting here wondering
where I’ll be tomorrow.
Loving you, or him?

I’m kind of sitting here remeniscing,
with the you’s that I’ve been missing,
the both of you.

I’m kind of sitting here hoping
that you’re thinking of me too,
that he doesn’t know about you,
because that would destroy me.

I’m kind of wondering,
where are you now?

And when I kind of wonder a little about you
I have to kind of wonder about him too
because he holds such resemblance to you,
a flame of candle
holding up a flame to you.
But I hope that you miss me too.

And I’m kind of hoping he’s missing me,
and remembering those little things
that you and I never did together.

Because you and I can share everything,
but really we are nothing,
because we both kind of love each other
without surpassing “that thought.”

Love? I’m kind of wishing I wasn’t confused,
kind of thinking about only you,
but I’d feel terrible if I wasn’t missing him too.

The Realization

I know, I know,
You’ve been waiting for a while,
just to see my holding smile
but it just doesn’t seem to come. 

And here I am again
waiting as always for what will never be
and wishing upon stars
that I can’t even see,
and praying to you
that things will someday change.

And I know that this is on my shoulders,
I can’t hold on to what was never there,
can’t pretend it will always be alright
and can’t keep hoping he’ll care
because I could pray to you a thousand times
and you wouldn’t  change your mind.
It’s just not meant to be
and that thought is killing me
oh-so-slowly
with the realization
that he will never care

Against popular belief, this is not a letter poem to God about how crappy life is. Actually, it’s poem that returns to my often recurring theme of a love triangle–being loved by someone while still feeling love for somebody else.

I wrote this one a couple months ago after revisiting some feelings I knew I had for a long time. It’s one of those things that only returns when you’re around that person, but when he’s gone, everything’s back to the way it was. The way it SHOULD be.

Looking Back

I stand here, alone as always,
again thinking of you,
just as is always my life
and what I always do. 

I lean against this tree trunk,
it is old and wise.
The age does not make it
wiser to the life lessons
of this world,
but less naive, I think.
And the tree does not speak
its truths to me,
as I wish it would.

I sigh and lean my head back,
looking into the clouds.
I am in a crowd, no one sees me,
because apparently, I’m never around.

Fall is coming,
I feel it in the breeze.
Cool and inviting
incessantly reciting
wisdom of the ages
and things that still elude me.

I close my eyes
and watch the fire bursts in my mind.
Around me, the leaves are changing,
and I’m losing my time with you.

When I open my eyes again,
a boy stands in front of me.
He is not beautiful, but simple,
not perfect, but nice.
Not you, but not nothing either.
And, as you know, for me
to say that he’s not nothing
is a stride I never thought I’d make.
I always thought you’d be my
everything
and everyone else,
nothing.

But I like to pretend sometimes
that maybe not everyone is nothing
but instead I am.
Because without you, I am indeed
nothing.
And, if you hadn’t noticed,
I don’t exactly have you.

He is walking towards me,
in my direction. His eyes
are focused on mine.
For once, somebody sees me
somebody sees me,
more than I could say for you
in several years.
And, as he watches me,
I watch him.
I do not love him
because he is not you
but I like being noticed.

And he walks behind me with his friends.
Now his back is on me as he walks away.

A leaf falls from the tree above me.
It is not golden, or crimson.
Not orange or green.
It is brown, sad, and dead.
It is broken and ripped up
at the end of its last days,
just like me.

I snatch it from the air
and twirl it between my fingers, putting it
to my lips. It is so soft
and so sad,
so broken, so shaken,
so mad.
So alone.

I brush it against my lips, staring into the sky
watching the clouds
as they drift on by.
They should rain,
but they won’t
because I’m not crying.
And when I cry,
it rains,
because though Karma may hate me,
though God may not care,
though life may be impossible,
the rain is always there.
For me, at least.

And, as I steal a glance back at the boy,
I expect of him what I do from you;
indifference.
Only, as I lean on the old
and wizened tree,
playing with her fallen
soldier leaf,
waiting for the clouds to rain
and thinking of you
once again…
He looks back at me.

I will never love him.
I do not know his name.
But he has taught me what I couldn’t learn
without things becoming this way.

Maybe I can be something for someone else,
even if I can’t be someone for you.

Maybe, someone will look back at me,
even if you never will…

Okay, so I haven’t updated in nearly two weeks. I’ve just been so busy with finals for school and whatnot taht I just haven’t had the time. I’ll try to be better about that, I promise. Besides, I’m out of school now, so I’ve got all the time in the world.

Anyway, this one’s about life, and loneliness. It’s about feeling noticed and perhaps even cared for for the first time in a long time. I wrote it some time ago, in the fall while I was on the way back home from covering a Cross Country Meet for my Journalism class. Hope you enjoyed, and sorry I haven’t posted.

Safety in Numbers

I close my eyes when I am alone
because I’m scared of going back home.
Scared of seeing the truth
scared of not knowing you.

Taught myself to live without you,
taught myself to move on alone,
but no matter where else I go,
you’re still here.

Telling me I’m still the same,
that you never much cared for that game,
where I told you I didn’t love you,
and never would.

You told me it made you crazy,
and I don’t see why you still care for me,
I don’t give the attention you need,
but still you try.

Baby boy I’ve loved somebody else,
and I know that those feelings I felt,
return only when you’re around me,
and that’s just fine.

Oh, my dear,
you are still standing here.
Oh, my God,
how do I clear up this accursed fog?
Oh my love,
I don’t know where to go now.
I’m alone…
and I can’t go home, because you’re there.

Something about you is safe
in that sort of hypnotist way.
I can love you and I’m not afraid
that you’ll break my heart.

But baby, I need something more,
you’ve got to stop busting down all my doors.
I leave them locked so that you can’t get in
and let me tear up my heart once again.

I put up those walls for everyone there,
and you break them down as if you don’t even care.
I’m still trying to mend up the wounds
that plague my heart.

Oh, my dear,
you’ve tamed all my fears.
Oh, my God,
I just can’t be in love.
Oh, please help,
I’m losing this heart in myself.
I’m so scared of you.

There’s strength in the numbers you see,
because baby, when he soon leaves me,
and it will be soon, just you wait and see,
you’ll still be there.

The more that I love, the more I get hurt,
but when he’s gone I’ll be lost in the lurch,
I won’t want my life to go on,
but you’ll be there.

As long as you’re a part of my life,
you’ll pretend that it’s all good and right,
even though you know about him
and that he holds my heart.

But if you’re there I may not collapse,
I’ll have a person to whom I’ll fall back,
never love you the way I do him,
but that’s just fine.

Only it’ll never be fine just for you,
all of these stupid things that I do.
Expecting you’ll take my excuse
and forgive me.

Can’t expect you to always be there,
can’t ask you to continue to care.
But there’s safety in numbers, I’ve heard,
and I can’t be alone.

Didn’t post yesterday because I was a bit tied up for the moment. Either way, I kind of made up for that with this exceedingly long poem. Longer than most things I post, at least.

Anyway, it’s about fallbacks, and not wanting to hurt someone. The narrator is somewhat selfish, because she knows that the person she really loves will one day be gone. She knows this, and so she requests of the person whom she believes loves her that he will protect her. After a while, she just got used to hurting, and though she’s tired of it, she cannot live without love. So she is desperate for a fallback, but she is torn because she doesn’t want to hurt the other boy.

Hope you enjoyed, and sorry it was so long.