Safety in Numbers

I close my eyes when I am alone
because I’m scared of going back home.
Scared of seeing the truth
scared of not knowing you.

Taught myself to live without you,
taught myself to move on alone,
but no matter where else I go,
you’re still here.

Telling me I’m still the same,
that you never much cared for that game,
where I told you I didn’t love you,
and never would.

You told me it made you crazy,
and I don’t see why you still care for me,
I don’t give the attention you need,
but still you try.

Baby boy I’ve loved somebody else,
and I know that those feelings I felt,
return only when you’re around me,
and that’s just fine.

Oh, my dear,
you are still standing here.
Oh, my God,
how do I clear up this accursed fog?
Oh my love,
I don’t know where to go now.
I’m alone…
and I can’t go home, because you’re there.

Something about you is safe
in that sort of hypnotist way.
I can love you and I’m not afraid
that you’ll break my heart.

But baby, I need something more,
you’ve got to stop busting down all my doors.
I leave them locked so that you can’t get in
and let me tear up my heart once again.

I put up those walls for everyone there,
and you break them down as if you don’t even care.
I’m still trying to mend up the wounds
that plague my heart.

Oh, my dear,
you’ve tamed all my fears.
Oh, my God,
I just can’t be in love.
Oh, please help,
I’m losing this heart in myself.
I’m so scared of you.

There’s strength in the numbers you see,
because baby, when he soon leaves me,
and it will be soon, just you wait and see,
you’ll still be there.

The more that I love, the more I get hurt,
but when he’s gone I’ll be lost in the lurch,
I won’t want my life to go on,
but you’ll be there.

As long as you’re a part of my life,
you’ll pretend that it’s all good and right,
even though you know about him
and that he holds my heart.

But if you’re there I may not collapse,
I’ll have a person to whom I’ll fall back,
never love you the way I do him,
but that’s just fine.

Only it’ll never be fine just for you,
all of these stupid things that I do.
Expecting you’ll take my excuse
and forgive me.

Can’t expect you to always be there,
can’t ask you to continue to care.
But there’s safety in numbers, I’ve heard,
and I can’t be alone.

Didn’t post yesterday because I was a bit tied up for the moment. Either way, I kind of made up for that with this exceedingly long poem. Longer than most things I post, at least.

Anyway, it’s about fallbacks, and not wanting to hurt someone. The narrator is somewhat selfish, because she knows that the person she really loves will one day be gone. She knows this, and so she requests of the person whom she believes loves her that he will protect her. After a while, she just got used to hurting, and though she’s tired of it, she cannot live without love. So she is desperate for a fallback, but she is torn because she doesn’t want to hurt the other boy.

Hope you enjoyed, and sorry it was so long.

I Can Live Without Him

If days go by
     and he doesn’t call
If we start a fight
     and he doesn’t care at all
And if every day
     he makes me want to cry…

Oh I’ll get by…

If nothing makes sense
      and he doesn’t see me
If I’m not the girl
      he wants me to be
And every time I try
     to change he breaks me…

I’ll get by. Yes, I’ll go on…

If time passes
     and somehow he leaves me
If days turn to years
     without a greeting
And if somehow
     he is able to let go…

I can let go too.

I can go on without him
I can live on.
I can still forget him
because he doesn’t have my heart.
I can live without him
if he doesn’t want me there,
I could breathe without him
because he could less than care.

Despite popular belief, this isn’t an attempt to demonize anyone. Actually, the boy in this poem is quite possibly one of the nicest I’ve met in a very long time. The point is to say that, yes, I love him, but not enough to be destroyed by him. It’s a poem about walls and trusting yourself to get close enough to someone without being able to be hurt by that person. It’s almost about becoming cold, and rather uncannily frightened after turmoil with love. It’s about not letting go and being weak enough to lose trust while also being strong enough to keep someone at arms-length.

In its way, the poem is a complete contradiction of itself.

A Burst of Happiness

Fireworks expand–
explode! inside my heart
and the sparks have nowhere to go
and the energy: trapped,
rebounding through my veins,
back and forth,
through, but returned
and expanseless–like the sky
but finite–human,
with tempest-like characteristics
and breathless, but free
and solemn, but excited
and quiet, but only to the rest
of the world.
Love? Maybe.
No. No, not love.
Just happiness.

And warm. So warm,
and perfect, if only for now.

Woo, my first poem without rhyme. I don’t think it’s as good as my others, but I wanted to go ahead and try it out. Didn’t turn out too bad, I don’t think. Seems good enough to post at least.

A Promise

I made a promise to myself
that I’d never love somebody else
but when I say it in my mind,
     ~it feels so true.

I made a promise to my friends
that I’d stop pondering this end
but when I say it in my mind
     ~it’s just a lie.

I made a promise to my mom
that I’d try to never yeild her wrong
but when I say it in my mind
     ~I know I sometimes fail her.

I made a promise to my God
that I’m just a diamond in the raw
but when I say it in my mind.
     ~I see no sparkle.

I made a promise to my him
that I’d love him and only him
but when I promise it aloud
     ~he doesn’t hear me.

I’m going to go ahead and clear this up now, because I’ve already heard this question at least four times. In the second stanza, it says “I’d stop pondering this end.” No, that is not a ponderance of suicide. “This end” is symbolism for a renewal, and for changing sometimes more than is nessasry. The person in the poem is not suicidal, but instead just scared. She’s changing and sometimes she believs that she will lose sight of who she is, which she feels will be the end of her.

Three Chances

One for we as children,
call us innocent,
when life was long and prosperous
and smiles came and went.

One for a few years later,
call us teenagers,
when life was black or bleak or gray
and frowns stayed as they were.

And one for three years after,
call me hopeful still,
when three months pass, after trail’s last
because change for you, I will.

Sometimes, a second chance isn’t enough. Having the strength to give someone another chance, while not always wise in certain situations, is the kindest thing to do. However, having the strength to give yourself another chance is even harder. After so long, failure is heartbreaking. But giving up is so much worse. That’s basically what this poem’s about but, as always, interpret it however you like.

What I Didn’t Tell You

If you asked me what I wished for,
I probably lied.
Told you I wished for happiness,
didn’t I?
Told you I wished for family,
a friend who’d love and forgive me,
didn’t tell you I have all those things,
did I?
And I’m sure I said that it was nothing big
and that the flow of things doesn’t match what I did
because I love you.
And I know I didn’t tell you that.

I didn’t tell you
that on every shooting star passing me by,
on every penny in the air thrown so far high,
on every night I see the moon, the star beside it
      –so like you–
and ever 11:11 for the past six years
I’ve wished you’d love me too.

This poem’s pretty self-explanitory on it’s own. I guess if you want to know the meaning you could ask, but honestly, you shouldn’t have trouble picking up on the jist of this one. Not much symbolism and rather straitforward.

Anyway, this poem just about killed me. These words were running through my mind all during first period (P.E.) and because we were playing kickball, I couldn’t write it down. I mean, I guess I could (as my seventh grade English teacher put it) bite off the tip of my finger and write it in my blood on the wall, but I have a feeling my teacher wouldn’t like that much, so I refrained. Originally, there was supposed to be another stanza inbetween the two, but I forgot it before I could write it down. I only remembered these two, and though I’d like to remember the other, these two alone seem to get the point across well enough, I think.

Your Thoughts Remain on Me

They flaunt themselves,
those blondes,
brunettes,
auburn-haired beauties,
bat their eyelashes,
smile for you
act as if
they’d die for you,
but at the end of the day,
they’ve found somebody else.

They wear those clothes
that show off their chests,
wear those jeans, cut to the thigh
and leave bare all the rest.

They sit at your side,
they talk and they talk,
but all the while they watch your eyes
as you switch your thoughts.

I stand here with too many books,
jeans down to the floor,
blondish-brownish-auburn hair
just like the day before.
I wear that which covers it all
hide all that you see,
peek out behind frightened eyes
and your thoughts are still on me.

My Audience

I expected you to be my audience
my sea of clapping hands
and the chirping crickets in the silence.

My wings to my arms
the gills to my breath
my everything, my anything,
my voice.

I expected you to be my saving grace
the one thing about myself
that I could never ever change.

My hope in such a darkness,
the candle to my flame,
my smile, my laugh, my present, my past,
my future.

I expected you to steal my heart,
didn’t guess that you would then rip it apart
had no clue that trying to mend your mistake
would change me in a better, innocent way.
I expected you to be my audience,
my loud clapping and eerie silences.
Didn’t know you had the power to change my mind,
or that this love for you would forever change my life.

Woke up at about midnight with this poem running through my mind. Usually, I can remember these poems, but I liked this one so much, I had to write it down the moment the words crossed my mind, so here I am. Hope you enjoy as much as I enjoyed writing it!

My Attempt on Haiku

A veil of crimson
solemn eyes without a smile.
Without him: she falls.

Destiny: I won’t.
Rebelliously, I wait.
Life is so much more.

Soft silk envelopes,
into the suffocation,
until I am free.

Cherry blossom blush
Holy Fire! Inside those eyes,
from which love is born.

Someday will I change,
with phantom ghosts of what was,
once, and then. Anew!

Here’s my attempt on Haiku. Can’t promise you they’re any good (the last time I wrote a haiku, I was in fifth grade), but I thought I’d go ahead and give it a try. Now granted, while they don’t have much about seasons or nature, I decided to free-style it a little bit.

Let Me Rescue You

Everything that matters to me
depends on if you are there.
You’re the addiction, the drug,
thats keeps me from disappear.
I sold my soul
for just one more moment with you
and so rightfully,
because you are losing you’re view.

You don’t see what you’ve done for me,
it’s the first time I’ve been free.
But you don’t see that they don’t care,
because they’ve never quite been there.
And they don’t know who you are,
or that you still wish on every falling star,
hoping to pick up the pieces,
I want to help you pick up those pieces.

Everytime I begin to write,
I feel the words form in my mouth.
“Broken” they always say,
but only for me, I’ve found.
My writings of you
are selfish for only just me,
Whether I like it or not,
I’m not who you want me to be.

I’m happy, I am,
I swear it with all my heart.
I’ve learned that to live,
you have to be ripped apart.
Because that love
is what makes you so strong inside.
And that love for you
is strong enough to abide.

But you’re broken, I see,
I know what I didn’t before.
You’re lonely and scared,
knocking down death’s door.
I went through that too,
Let me just help you now.
I know what it’s like
to be crowded alone, somehow.

But I can’t take another
step closer to you.
No matter how many stairs I fall
and what else I want to do.
You keep your distance,
and I suppose that makes most sense,
who are you to be weak from life or from love
or from ingnorance?

But Dear,
you are weak.
We all are.
So may I help?

May I rescue you?
Please, I want to save you.
Let me rescue you.
We both know no one else will.

Originally this was supposed to be a love poem. But when I realized it was about a guy friend of mine, I looked a little closer and found that it’s really more of a poem to an old friend. It’s about stopping to realize that you don’t have the deepest problems in the world, and wishing to use that to help someone you truly care about.