Forgotten Search

Today it was,
the first time ever.
I forgot to look for him,
down by his locker,
three down from the
English class door.
I forgot to look for him.

It took me
two years to notice him,
ten minutes to meet him,
one hour to like him,
three months to trust him,
and seven months to tell him.
And today was the first day
that I forgot to look for him. 

I smiled at her,
his girl, his love,
pride and joy,
I hoped.
The one I trusted to make him happy
and to make me happy
and distract me from the other him,
and distract me from
the loss of him,
and she did.
Because I didn’t look for him
today. 

I find myself feeling guilty
as if he was never there
a memory,
lost
forever.
Never in my life,
trusted him once,
never coming back,
and I may never see
him again.
Because I forgot to look.

Life Lessons

Me, we, you, us
truth, love, longing, lust.
Breath, death, air, and fire,
found, and lost, and passion pyre.
Believe, forget, forgive that is,
never become another’s last kiss
if you cannot live one more day
without wishing regret away.

A little bit of expirimentation. Short and sweet, but I sort of like it that way. Hope you enjoyed.

Missing You

I’m kind of sitting here wondering
where I’ll be tomorrow.
Loving you, or him?

I’m kind of sitting here remeniscing,
with the you’s that I’ve been missing,
the both of you.

I’m kind of sitting here hoping
that you’re thinking of me too,
that he doesn’t know about you,
because that would destroy me.

I’m kind of wondering,
where are you now?

And when I kind of wonder a little about you
I have to kind of wonder about him too
because he holds such resemblance to you,
a flame of candle
holding up a flame to you.
But I hope that you miss me too.

And I’m kind of hoping he’s missing me,
and remembering those little things
that you and I never did together.

Because you and I can share everything,
but really we are nothing,
because we both kind of love each other
without surpassing “that thought.”

Love? I’m kind of wishing I wasn’t confused,
kind of thinking about only you,
but I’d feel terrible if I wasn’t missing him too.

Safety in Numbers

I close my eyes when I am alone
because I’m scared of going back home.
Scared of seeing the truth
scared of not knowing you.

Taught myself to live without you,
taught myself to move on alone,
but no matter where else I go,
you’re still here.

Telling me I’m still the same,
that you never much cared for that game,
where I told you I didn’t love you,
and never would.

You told me it made you crazy,
and I don’t see why you still care for me,
I don’t give the attention you need,
but still you try.

Baby boy I’ve loved somebody else,
and I know that those feelings I felt,
return only when you’re around me,
and that’s just fine.

Oh, my dear,
you are still standing here.
Oh, my God,
how do I clear up this accursed fog?
Oh my love,
I don’t know where to go now.
I’m alone…
and I can’t go home, because you’re there.

Something about you is safe
in that sort of hypnotist way.
I can love you and I’m not afraid
that you’ll break my heart.

But baby, I need something more,
you’ve got to stop busting down all my doors.
I leave them locked so that you can’t get in
and let me tear up my heart once again.

I put up those walls for everyone there,
and you break them down as if you don’t even care.
I’m still trying to mend up the wounds
that plague my heart.

Oh, my dear,
you’ve tamed all my fears.
Oh, my God,
I just can’t be in love.
Oh, please help,
I’m losing this heart in myself.
I’m so scared of you.

There’s strength in the numbers you see,
because baby, when he soon leaves me,
and it will be soon, just you wait and see,
you’ll still be there.

The more that I love, the more I get hurt,
but when he’s gone I’ll be lost in the lurch,
I won’t want my life to go on,
but you’ll be there.

As long as you’re a part of my life,
you’ll pretend that it’s all good and right,
even though you know about him
and that he holds my heart.

But if you’re there I may not collapse,
I’ll have a person to whom I’ll fall back,
never love you the way I do him,
but that’s just fine.

Only it’ll never be fine just for you,
all of these stupid things that I do.
Expecting you’ll take my excuse
and forgive me.

Can’t expect you to always be there,
can’t ask you to continue to care.
But there’s safety in numbers, I’ve heard,
and I can’t be alone.

Didn’t post yesterday because I was a bit tied up for the moment. Either way, I kind of made up for that with this exceedingly long poem. Longer than most things I post, at least.

Anyway, it’s about fallbacks, and not wanting to hurt someone. The narrator is somewhat selfish, because she knows that the person she really loves will one day be gone. She knows this, and so she requests of the person whom she believes loves her that he will protect her. After a while, she just got used to hurting, and though she’s tired of it, she cannot live without love. So she is desperate for a fallback, but she is torn because she doesn’t want to hurt the other boy.

Hope you enjoyed, and sorry it was so long.

A Promise

I made a promise to myself
that I’d never love somebody else
but when I say it in my mind,
     ~it feels so true.

I made a promise to my friends
that I’d stop pondering this end
but when I say it in my mind
     ~it’s just a lie.

I made a promise to my mom
that I’d try to never yeild her wrong
but when I say it in my mind
     ~I know I sometimes fail her.

I made a promise to my God
that I’m just a diamond in the raw
but when I say it in my mind.
     ~I see no sparkle.

I made a promise to my him
that I’d love him and only him
but when I promise it aloud
     ~he doesn’t hear me.

I’m going to go ahead and clear this up now, because I’ve already heard this question at least four times. In the second stanza, it says “I’d stop pondering this end.” No, that is not a ponderance of suicide. “This end” is symbolism for a renewal, and for changing sometimes more than is nessasry. The person in the poem is not suicidal, but instead just scared. She’s changing and sometimes she believs that she will lose sight of who she is, which she feels will be the end of her.